mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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