I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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