wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
