I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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