apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
