Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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