we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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