if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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