My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
