Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
