just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
