apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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