Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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