New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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