There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
