and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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