my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
