I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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