Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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