the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
