what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.