Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
