I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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