The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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