I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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