I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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