I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
