I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
