Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
