I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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