I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I skipped work to stalk him.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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