just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
