it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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