I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
