Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
