I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
pop tarts are not kleenex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
