Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
