I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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