Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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