i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
