I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
