I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
