just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
