I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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