Your mouth is God's brothel.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have fence marks all over my body
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
