im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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