apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
