somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
