This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
