just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
