He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Come on in and take your pants off
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