Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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