So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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