I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
