This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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