i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
