In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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